Stage fright and magic

The Merchant of Venice

One of the things I admire about myself is that I like to dabble in a number of things that come my way. But what I don’t like about myself is that in a few instances I do not follow through with it. For instance, I began to learn origami, I began to play in a band (I did this for a couple of years), I began to write poetry, I began travelling, I began to play the flute, I began to enjoy being involved in theatre, began swimming, photography etc. etc.

Sometimes I end up feeling like it’s enough to have done it. Like I am collecting these experiences like people collect stamps on their passports. Other times I feel like I wish I had persevered in it a bit more. I wish I perfected one thing all the way.
Things might have been a bit easier if I had found a partner in many instances. Some one who could push me as much I as I push him. But this is just an excuse.

Theatre has fascinated me from the moment I was dragged to watch the local production of Lion King. I have tried my hand at acting and backstage. They have all been amazing experiences. I have so enjoying being with the cast and crew and being a part of a production that I have told myself that I will get involved at every opportunity that presents it self.

An opportunity did present it self on Friday when sunshine asked me if I wanted to take part in the merchant and come for a rehearsal on Sunday. Now that an opportunity did come my way I was not sure that I wanted it :(

I am quite scared and nervous at the prospect of making a fool in front of a number of people. Its not that I have stage fear, it’s more a fear of being embarrassed. Fear of my own lack of ability that I think I have. Lack of confidence must be the root cause of all this. I have never been given much encouragement at anything I do. It’s always been done out of my sheer will power. No one has told me that I have done a great job. No one has been a mentor for me. I have learned to be my own mentor. Also, most of the things I have done have not required me to be at par with people of real talent. I have never been born with talent. I don’t think I have any. I have learnt everything that I know. So when I am placed in a group of really talented people, I fear that I will stick out like a sore thumb.

I’m very grateful that sunshine was there and even more grateful that she gave me the opportunity. So I decided to make the most if it. The words of Michael rang in my ear. Any one can act.

So act I did. I acted as if I knew what I was doing. I acted as if I was not really nervous. And as usual, being in the company of such great people, I was not nervous.

In fact the only thing that made me nervous was the fact that I was given lines to perform. Was the director - Feroze (of stage light and magic) mad?

He asked me to read a passage from the script. He said that it wasn’t too bad. Then he gave me a part to act out in a scene. I was the dude (‘B’ something) who needed the money from Shylock. Holy hell! It was a lead part I was given. I have never said more than a word on stage. And here I have lines to read. Shakespears lines. Lines that require me to read them at least a dozen times before I even understand them. I have to by-heart lines. I have to sing a solo. Feroze must be mad. I must be mad. I felt like telling him “dude, I have never acted in my life. I don’t know what has come over you to put me in a major role. It’s not funny” I came here with the expectation that I would be backstage and out of sight. But this is crazy. I’m sure he is only trying me out though, until a better actor comes along.

I now have to go for rehearsals Wednesday nigh to Feroze’s house! He is mad! This also means a major commitment from me. If the play is gonna be in September, that means that till then, I will have to devote myself to the play. My weekends would be screwed. I might not get the chance to begin my studies. I would love to do a small role though. It would be such magic.